what... the... fuck..?

You know, I have long suspected that I am actually a complete loser, doomed to lurk the outskirts of society... never fitting in, always feeling alone. I usually shake this off when I start to feel like I should be shopping at Hot Topic or something, walking around morose with too much eye liner.
The rational part of me acknowledges my eccentricities and tells me other part of me that she's paranoid, and usually the argument is pretty convincing. So I manage to manage, ha ha.

But today, wow, where do I begin with today? I look back at what I posted 2 days ago, and just think, "stupid, stupid girl."
I don't even know how to explain what happened. In a nutshell, yesterday everything seemed wonderful. He was off work, up late to write with me, and was being very sweet. I have been finally starting to push my fears aside and just jump in, not let my fears and past cripple me and prevent me from finding happiness again. So, he had made a little joke, and I told him something I had done which made it apparent that I am crushing on him, or whatever you would call it. He seemed, I don't know- he told me it was a big surprise, and within a few minutes we stopped writing. Last night I worried that maybe I had overstepped a line that I hadn't known was there. I told myself, it was very late for him, he'd had a really long day- he probably fell asleep. So I didn't fret about it.
Today I tried to justify why I hadn't heard from him. Maybe he's sleeping in... well, maybe first he is walking the dog... well, maybe he wanted to have a day to himself to chill and enjoy the beach or whatever... after 24 hours of not hearing from him, I was out of excuses.

I have been beating myself up (mentally, of course) for awhile now. How could I have really thought this would end any other way? He was an impossible dream, and ha, just as I rambled about last post... I woke up, and he has vanished- nothing more than a spectre, never really here. What the hell have I been to him these past few months? Sport? Boredom reliever? I don't understand it, and I never will because I am clearly terrible at knowing what anyone else is actually thinking about anything. I have no idea what was going through his head. All I know is that I blindly believed everything he told me. It is an impossible quandary. I truly believe that you absolutely cannot bring baggage from any past relationships with you into a new relationship. Everyone deserves to start with a clean slate. Maybe a man, or five men, or hell, 50 men have treated you like shit in the past... but that doesn't mean that all men will be the same.
At the same time, I am also a skeptic by nature. This creates a conflict, as I am sure you can imagine. I have always kept my feelings closely guarded; I am very secretive and protective by nature, I suppose.
But, I felt like the majority of what I have been doing up to this point in my life has not worked so well for me. So I tried to go against my nature about certain things. And I knew the risks of doing this, but I felt like it would be worth it no matter what happened.
I guess I still do think that, actually. It was nice to know that I can be more open and be totally comfortable delving into a new relationship. What I didn't count on was that I would truly like him so much. I am sitting here typing this, thinking, hm.. well maybe I will hear from him tomorrow and all will be well. And I know as I type this that it is totally ludicrous for me to even try to pretend like that's a possibility. It would be amusing if it wasn't so fucking pathetic. I don't know how he did this. Even though I feel completely played, I want to believe that he will be around eventually... I still want him in my life. My God, how can I actually feel like that? Am I seriously fucking crazy now or something? I can't comprehend it, and it's me that's behaving this way.

So... that's all, really. I had this perfect dream for a little while. It was so vivid... almost like it was real. But, like the perfect bubble blown, swirling colors reflecting the world, floating up and into the sky... and then, poof! Gone. You can never predict exactly when it will happen. Sometimes they pop almost instantly. Some venture farther, some actually make it out of sight. But when the bubble first forms, you never know which it will be, no way to predict the longevity.


Today I feel a tiny bit hollow. He'd told me I was the owner of his heart. I had so wanted that to be the truth, and I was only too willing to offer up mine. Part of it is gone now, and I don't know why he took it, since he clearly doesn't want it. I feel like I actually got broken up with today. I know it's stupid. This is totally my penance for being such a naive jackass in the first place.
I should have been smarter than this. I am totally disappointed. Ich bin enttäuscht total enttäuscht.