So, today I hear from him, and it's just like any other day- he woke me up early to write with me in the morning, and didn't mention anything about his absence the day before. He sent me some pictures and a video today, which was very sweet... and when I asked him a question (I don't know... for reassurance? Clarification?) He said, "yes honey, I've told you this now mhh 30 times?"
The sad thing is, that's completely true.
So I have realized today that I need to do one of several things. First option: back the fuck away if I can't handle the distance and the uncertainty. This is really a non-option to me at this stage. No matter how dumb it may seem to anyone that isn't me, I have a sort of need at this point to see this through and not squander the potential that I felt between us from almost the moment we met.
2nd option: try to disengage myself somewhat. Still be open to the possibility of a wonderful thing being conceivable between us, but not get so carried up completely so quickly and maybe not get so hurt or upset over what may be completely self-fabricated concerns.
This seems unlikely too, honestly. In theory it seems okay, but if I can't say, yes, I want to commit 100% to this man, what's really the point? How can things grow between us if I'm not willing to choose monogamy (well, celibacy, really, until he is here), not willing to say yes, he is worth waiting for and whether that's a week from now or a year from now, he is worth however long the wait may be.
This leaves me with option number 3. Continue to display my heart on my sleeve, and recognize that because it is constantly exposed, there is a much greater risk of it being lost or damaged. I think this is really the only option that has any chance of success in our particular situation. One thing that I do need to work on, and will make an effort to work on, is realizing that we may have very different expectations of one another, and the fact that I did not talk to him for a day is perhaps not so unusual or alarming for a person not accustomed to massively codependent exes who had nothing to do with their day outside of me... so there were never any days apart simply by default, and I became to see this as the norm. Perhaps this is only the norm with damaged people like the ones throughout my past. I really don't know. I have never really dated, as it were. I went from being single, to a 5 yr relationship, to single again, to a 4 yr relationship. I have honestly never been on like a dinner and a movie type of date. I have no experience relating to the opposite sex casually (and I guess I mean romantically, but not committed long term). So my experience with men is admittedly limited and probably vastly skewed by the fucked up pool I was selecting my past partners from. What the norm is, much less what the norm is in another country?? I have no idea!
I think that I need to just wait and see... what I absolutely must not do is project all of my fears and insecurities on him, because he clearly thought things were perfectly normal between us. And in that context, it didn't make sense to him why I would keep asking for reassurance on something that, in his mind, had already been long-ago discussed and decided on. So, here is my new goal... and you aren't the only one seeing these words who has doubts about my ability to actually do this, but hey, at least my recognizing my need to do this will hopefully be the first step.
I am going to try to assume nothing has changed unless he specifically says otherwise. If I don't hear from him for a day or two, no worries. If he contacts me back, then I have to assume that it's because he is still interested and we are still on course with what we plan to do. I have to trust in him that if his feelings about this change, he will let me know. We both told each other that we will wait to be together, we feel that it will be worth the waiting, and that if our feelings change, we will tell the other and end it- no reason to do things behind the others' back, or to hurt feelings unnecessarily. If I am going to have faith in him at all, I have to accept everything that he tells me as the truth. I can't just accept the things that are easy for me to accept, but question the things that are hard. It doesn't work that way. If he deserves my trust, which I feel and hope that he does... then he deserves 100% of it... not just the portion that is easy to give.
I have to start being much more free-spirited about the situation... in the sense that I have to let the cards fall as they will, and just take things one day at a time. Even if everything is perfect between us and even if it is true love and he is my future husband (anything is possible, right? ha ha), there is still no guarantee that we will end up happily ever after, or even ever together at all for that matter. There are a billion variables swirling around that just love to wreak havoc on people's dreams and lives- and too many people take the basic things like continued existence from day to day completely for granted. On a rational level I know and understand this, and am happy from day to day solely because he has brought a simple joy into my life again that has been long absent. Every picture he sends, every video he shoots, he does for me and he does it because he knows they make me happy. I told him that his pictures make me feel a tiny bit closer to him, despite him being so, so far away. And today I woke up to a picture that he sent, followed by more. So on some level I have to ask myself, why would he be doing this if things weren't real? I don't know.
It's impossible to know. Even when I can look into his eyes and kiss him, I won't really know the truth, because it's impossible for us to know so early on whether we would be happy in the long term or whether things will work out. Right now though, we both seem to be in a stage where we each feel like the other could be a great match, and we are willing to play it out and see what happens. I probably have no right to expect anything more.
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