The Second

Hm, so I have been lax in writing here. As private as it is, I have been reluctant to put my feelings to keyboard, as it were. I purchased a leather bound journal recently, and it seems far more appropriate somehow.
Things have progressed... the days march by one after another, and suddenly it is almost 2 months since I created this blog for the purpose of expelling a few demons here and there- and in 2 months there is just now a 2nd entry being written. Funny how things work.

I was almost afraid before to write about the new man. The situation seems so complex... so hard to explain and have anyone think that it's not just the desperation of a rebound, or a lonely heart creating something that isn't. At least, that is how I fear people must view this. But it isn't. I write with him almost every day, and I think that I am at least a little more sure of things than I was 2 months ago. I still have ridiculous fears and self-doubts, but I know it is 100% me that is the problem. There is not a single thing that I doubt or question when it comes to him. I keep wondering how he did this, exactly. How does one manage to become an integral part of your existence so easily? Within such a short time I look forward to his words, miss him when we are not writing, and think of him incessantly. I have really tried to strike a balance with him. I have such all-or-nothing tendencies, and now that I am sure that I want him, I don't want to obsess too much and scare him away.
We are in this limbo right now, where all the words are perfect, and there is this dream of what might be between us... 2 people at the precipice, ready to take that leap. And there we are, overlooking the edge, realizing that we are a great ocean apart, each at the edge of our own worlds with thousands of miles of churning seas separating us. If he was at my side, I would be ready. I am willing to jump into this with him, and see what the future brings.

I have always looked into new relationships with a certain, I don't know... dread? Doubt? Hesitance? Maybe all of the above. I have never gone into a relationship saying, this is the man I am going to marry, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have always thought, how could I know at such an early stage? Impossible. With him though, it's different. We both have said, we don't want to date any more- we don't want to have a few year's relationship- we want to find something that is permanent. Someone to marry... just the one marriage, you know, forever, like it's supposed to be? Someone to have children with, to build a family and a happy life together. And although time will tell if I am a fool for this, I have taken him completely at face value so far. Everything he has told me, I assume to be the truth unless I learn or find a reason to believe otherwise. At first, I found it so difficult to do... was there really a man that existed in this configuration? It was as if I had made a secret "what I want in a perfect man" list and even included the most ridiculous and completely impossible traits that I could never find... and then I meet him, and its as though my crazy list was discovered and used to create him. And there are things he does that he could not possibly have known at first that I would like- random, silly things- and they are perfect.

It is really sort of insane. I think I have avoided writing more about him because it's almost like some perfect dream. You know, when you have a lucid, really awesome dream, and something disturbs you... there may be a few seconds when you recognize that the dream is fading, and try so hard to cling to it, to stay asleep. Sometimes you can hang on, but more often than not, the vision fades as you stir in bed. No matter how long you might try to close your eyes and regain that dream, it is never coming back. I am almost reluctant to acknowledge my happiness, to express what I am feeling, because then what if things don't work out? Nothing is promised, and I feel almost safer keeping news of him at a minimum. Like somehow saying the words out loud will break the spell. It's crazy, I know... but everything else is so completely random in the world that I don't doubt the possibility... and I don't want to take any unnecessary risks- lol.

But I digress. As I said, I actually do believe him now that he does care about me at least a little bit. He told me recently that I am the owner of his heart. I don't really know. I would love for that to be the case, but part of me scoffs, "but we've never even met!" The other part of me says, "yes, that's true, but you are falling in love with him so you know it's not outside the realm of possibility." I make 2 very valid, interesting points, and I don't know which one more closely applies to him. I hope that he really will love me. I am now past agonizing over what I feel for him, and am agonizing over what he will eventually feel for me.

He is supposed to come and visit me, and I am filled with both anticipation and complete terror. On the one hand, I need to meet him. At this point I simply must see how this story ends... or hopefully, how the next chapter begins. I imagine the scenario a billion different ways and am charmed at how completely romantic it all is, him coming off the plane, looking deeply each other's eyes and feeling the surge of electricity when we finally touch after all these months.
On the other hand, it may all go terribly wrong. There is no way to predict chemistry until you meet someone. I have definitely underestimated and tried to downplay the importance of that purely animal attraction in the past. Now I understand that it simply must be there. So then I think, what if there is nothing there? Then what? Or, maybe worse yet, what if I feel it and he doesn't? It would be the ultimate rejection, really- a man coming to another land to meet a girl, and then changing his mind when he sees her in person. It is illogical, I know... and I am pretty sure that if he was in doubt we would not get to the point of him coming over here to meet. But still, my mind hates me and it thinks of things like this to torment me daily.

I think he is afraid of leaping in like this too. We talked of him moving here; he said he would have no job, no car, no place to stay- absolutely nothing. I said, yes, but you will have me, and I can help you with all the other things. His response was, but no one can promise that you'll stay with me. I have told him that I want to be with him, but I think he still questions if I am really sure, which makes sense since I question the same things. We have both just said, well, when we meet we will be able to look into each others' eyes, and touch, and then we will know. I hope that it's true. I am worried about how it will all play out. I would love for it to continue to be as easy as it has been thus far, and maybe when we are in the same room it will feel perfectly natural and right, like it has in our correspondence. But... who can say? We are both admittedly shy. It is much easier to be bold and speak your mind when someone is not in front of you, able to reject you face to face.
I have been trying to get over some of these fears and worries. It is really difficult trying to convince myself that this may be all real, that maybe I did find my soulmate and that we will come together despite the odds, just because we were meant to. It would be nothing short of remarkable... after all the hurt and pain that I endured, when I finally stood up and said no more, I meet the perfect man within days, out of the blue and when neither of us had any idea we would eventually speak as anything more than just friends. There is such a perfect sort of karmic feel to this. I always tried to do right by my exes, so often stupidly sacrificing my own needs and my own wellbeing to try to make them happy. I lost so much of myself in that process. When I finally said, enough, I want me back again, I then instantly meet a man who likes me for my character and my sweetness, who tells me, never let a man treat you like that, you're better than that- love me, but don't worship me... a man who actually encourages a healthy dynamic (for a change). Does that happen??? I am suddenly an optimist, suddenly that girl with a permanent "cat ate the canary" ghost of a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth every time I think of him, or when he sends me the perfect text. I am utterly smitten, and it feels so good.
I am dying to get him into bed... he makes me crazy just with words alone- my god, when I eventually get him in person... he has a deep, sexy voice- heavily accented... a complete panty-dropper sort of voice. I picture him on top of me, that voice telling me what he is going to do to me next.... I won't go into it here, but let's just say I am very interested to see if he is really as skilled as he claims to be. Someone told me last week that I looked radiant- that I looked much younger. This person was positively glowing with happiness at seeing me so much visibly happier. They thought it was for other reasons- my having left the ex, moved out, etc... but so much of it is really because of him and how he has created a new, bright little place in my soul- a flame bravely burning that was once barely an ember, nearly extinguished.

So, that is my update. Still a completely mind-boggling situation for me, still no real resolution, and I fear there won't ever be unless we do meet in person. He is supposed to come to see me this year. All I can do is wait and see if that comes to pass. I feel like he will eventually really see me, and realize that I am not worthy of his attentions. Every time I seem uncertain, though, he reassures me and tells me not to worry, to be positive, that I'm his girl. So, I really, really want this to all be true, and I do not know yet if it is. More rambling soon, or perhaps in 2 months... we shall see.