It's a little amusing to read what I have written here thus far. Days chug on by, and months pass one after another after another. I don't write as much here because I am not in such turmoil, I think. I still don't know what will ultimately happen, but I'm much more complacent in this uncertainty these days. I don't know if that's because I am more sure of things, or because I've just resigned myself to my fate... whatever it may be.
December is looking to be a good time. I am going on a trip by myself, the prospect of which is both exhilarating and terrifying, and I can assure you that it promises to be one of the highlights of my entire life thus far.
And then when I get back.... maybe he will come.
I'm not going to let myself get too excited about it at this point. There are so many things that could prevent this from happening. When I see him come off the plane, then I can get excited. Not before. :) I'm incredibly nervous. Expectations are high for us both, and I think we are both a little afraid. But I also think that's perfectly reasonable, and to be expected. So, we'll see. If he comes.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
still... wtf but for an entirely new reason
So, today I hear from him, and it's just like any other day- he woke me up early to write with me in the morning, and didn't mention anything about his absence the day before. He sent me some pictures and a video today, which was very sweet... and when I asked him a question (I don't know... for reassurance? Clarification?) He said, "yes honey, I've told you this now mhh 30 times?"
The sad thing is, that's completely true.
So I have realized today that I need to do one of several things. First option: back the fuck away if I can't handle the distance and the uncertainty. This is really a non-option to me at this stage. No matter how dumb it may seem to anyone that isn't me, I have a sort of need at this point to see this through and not squander the potential that I felt between us from almost the moment we met.
2nd option: try to disengage myself somewhat. Still be open to the possibility of a wonderful thing being conceivable between us, but not get so carried up completely so quickly and maybe not get so hurt or upset over what may be completely self-fabricated concerns.
This seems unlikely too, honestly. In theory it seems okay, but if I can't say, yes, I want to commit 100% to this man, what's really the point? How can things grow between us if I'm not willing to choose monogamy (well, celibacy, really, until he is here), not willing to say yes, he is worth waiting for and whether that's a week from now or a year from now, he is worth however long the wait may be.
This leaves me with option number 3. Continue to display my heart on my sleeve, and recognize that because it is constantly exposed, there is a much greater risk of it being lost or damaged. I think this is really the only option that has any chance of success in our particular situation. One thing that I do need to work on, and will make an effort to work on, is realizing that we may have very different expectations of one another, and the fact that I did not talk to him for a day is perhaps not so unusual or alarming for a person not accustomed to massively codependent exes who had nothing to do with their day outside of me... so there were never any days apart simply by default, and I became to see this as the norm. Perhaps this is only the norm with damaged people like the ones throughout my past. I really don't know. I have never really dated, as it were. I went from being single, to a 5 yr relationship, to single again, to a 4 yr relationship. I have honestly never been on like a dinner and a movie type of date. I have no experience relating to the opposite sex casually (and I guess I mean romantically, but not committed long term). So my experience with men is admittedly limited and probably vastly skewed by the fucked up pool I was selecting my past partners from. What the norm is, much less what the norm is in another country?? I have no idea!
I think that I need to just wait and see... what I absolutely must not do is project all of my fears and insecurities on him, because he clearly thought things were perfectly normal between us. And in that context, it didn't make sense to him why I would keep asking for reassurance on something that, in his mind, had already been long-ago discussed and decided on. So, here is my new goal... and you aren't the only one seeing these words who has doubts about my ability to actually do this, but hey, at least my recognizing my need to do this will hopefully be the first step.
I am going to try to assume nothing has changed unless he specifically says otherwise. If I don't hear from him for a day or two, no worries. If he contacts me back, then I have to assume that it's because he is still interested and we are still on course with what we plan to do. I have to trust in him that if his feelings about this change, he will let me know. We both told each other that we will wait to be together, we feel that it will be worth the waiting, and that if our feelings change, we will tell the other and end it- no reason to do things behind the others' back, or to hurt feelings unnecessarily. If I am going to have faith in him at all, I have to accept everything that he tells me as the truth. I can't just accept the things that are easy for me to accept, but question the things that are hard. It doesn't work that way. If he deserves my trust, which I feel and hope that he does... then he deserves 100% of it... not just the portion that is easy to give.
I have to start being much more free-spirited about the situation... in the sense that I have to let the cards fall as they will, and just take things one day at a time. Even if everything is perfect between us and even if it is true love and he is my future husband (anything is possible, right? ha ha), there is still no guarantee that we will end up happily ever after, or even ever together at all for that matter. There are a billion variables swirling around that just love to wreak havoc on people's dreams and lives- and too many people take the basic things like continued existence from day to day completely for granted. On a rational level I know and understand this, and am happy from day to day solely because he has brought a simple joy into my life again that has been long absent. Every picture he sends, every video he shoots, he does for me and he does it because he knows they make me happy. I told him that his pictures make me feel a tiny bit closer to him, despite him being so, so far away. And today I woke up to a picture that he sent, followed by more. So on some level I have to ask myself, why would he be doing this if things weren't real? I don't know.
It's impossible to know. Even when I can look into his eyes and kiss him, I won't really know the truth, because it's impossible for us to know so early on whether we would be happy in the long term or whether things will work out. Right now though, we both seem to be in a stage where we each feel like the other could be a great match, and we are willing to play it out and see what happens. I probably have no right to expect anything more.
The sad thing is, that's completely true.
So I have realized today that I need to do one of several things. First option: back the fuck away if I can't handle the distance and the uncertainty. This is really a non-option to me at this stage. No matter how dumb it may seem to anyone that isn't me, I have a sort of need at this point to see this through and not squander the potential that I felt between us from almost the moment we met.
2nd option: try to disengage myself somewhat. Still be open to the possibility of a wonderful thing being conceivable between us, but not get so carried up completely so quickly and maybe not get so hurt or upset over what may be completely self-fabricated concerns.
This seems unlikely too, honestly. In theory it seems okay, but if I can't say, yes, I want to commit 100% to this man, what's really the point? How can things grow between us if I'm not willing to choose monogamy (well, celibacy, really, until he is here), not willing to say yes, he is worth waiting for and whether that's a week from now or a year from now, he is worth however long the wait may be.
This leaves me with option number 3. Continue to display my heart on my sleeve, and recognize that because it is constantly exposed, there is a much greater risk of it being lost or damaged. I think this is really the only option that has any chance of success in our particular situation. One thing that I do need to work on, and will make an effort to work on, is realizing that we may have very different expectations of one another, and the fact that I did not talk to him for a day is perhaps not so unusual or alarming for a person not accustomed to massively codependent exes who had nothing to do with their day outside of me... so there were never any days apart simply by default, and I became to see this as the norm. Perhaps this is only the norm with damaged people like the ones throughout my past. I really don't know. I have never really dated, as it were. I went from being single, to a 5 yr relationship, to single again, to a 4 yr relationship. I have honestly never been on like a dinner and a movie type of date. I have no experience relating to the opposite sex casually (and I guess I mean romantically, but not committed long term). So my experience with men is admittedly limited and probably vastly skewed by the fucked up pool I was selecting my past partners from. What the norm is, much less what the norm is in another country?? I have no idea!
I think that I need to just wait and see... what I absolutely must not do is project all of my fears and insecurities on him, because he clearly thought things were perfectly normal between us. And in that context, it didn't make sense to him why I would keep asking for reassurance on something that, in his mind, had already been long-ago discussed and decided on. So, here is my new goal... and you aren't the only one seeing these words who has doubts about my ability to actually do this, but hey, at least my recognizing my need to do this will hopefully be the first step.
I am going to try to assume nothing has changed unless he specifically says otherwise. If I don't hear from him for a day or two, no worries. If he contacts me back, then I have to assume that it's because he is still interested and we are still on course with what we plan to do. I have to trust in him that if his feelings about this change, he will let me know. We both told each other that we will wait to be together, we feel that it will be worth the waiting, and that if our feelings change, we will tell the other and end it- no reason to do things behind the others' back, or to hurt feelings unnecessarily. If I am going to have faith in him at all, I have to accept everything that he tells me as the truth. I can't just accept the things that are easy for me to accept, but question the things that are hard. It doesn't work that way. If he deserves my trust, which I feel and hope that he does... then he deserves 100% of it... not just the portion that is easy to give.
I have to start being much more free-spirited about the situation... in the sense that I have to let the cards fall as they will, and just take things one day at a time. Even if everything is perfect between us and even if it is true love and he is my future husband (anything is possible, right? ha ha), there is still no guarantee that we will end up happily ever after, or even ever together at all for that matter. There are a billion variables swirling around that just love to wreak havoc on people's dreams and lives- and too many people take the basic things like continued existence from day to day completely for granted. On a rational level I know and understand this, and am happy from day to day solely because he has brought a simple joy into my life again that has been long absent. Every picture he sends, every video he shoots, he does for me and he does it because he knows they make me happy. I told him that his pictures make me feel a tiny bit closer to him, despite him being so, so far away. And today I woke up to a picture that he sent, followed by more. So on some level I have to ask myself, why would he be doing this if things weren't real? I don't know.
It's impossible to know. Even when I can look into his eyes and kiss him, I won't really know the truth, because it's impossible for us to know so early on whether we would be happy in the long term or whether things will work out. Right now though, we both seem to be in a stage where we each feel like the other could be a great match, and we are willing to play it out and see what happens. I probably have no right to expect anything more.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
what... the... fuck..?
You know, I have long suspected that I am actually a complete loser, doomed to lurk the outskirts of society... never fitting in, always feeling alone. I usually shake this off when I start to feel like I should be shopping at Hot Topic or something, walking around morose with too much eye liner.
The rational part of me acknowledges my eccentricities and tells me other part of me that she's paranoid, and usually the argument is pretty convincing. So I manage to manage, ha ha.
But today, wow, where do I begin with today? I look back at what I posted 2 days ago, and just think, "stupid, stupid girl."
I don't even know how to explain what happened. In a nutshell, yesterday everything seemed wonderful. He was off work, up late to write with me, and was being very sweet. I have been finally starting to push my fears aside and just jump in, not let my fears and past cripple me and prevent me from finding happiness again. So, he had made a little joke, and I told him something I had done which made it apparent that I am crushing on him, or whatever you would call it. He seemed, I don't know- he told me it was a big surprise, and within a few minutes we stopped writing. Last night I worried that maybe I had overstepped a line that I hadn't known was there. I told myself, it was very late for him, he'd had a really long day- he probably fell asleep. So I didn't fret about it.
Today I tried to justify why I hadn't heard from him. Maybe he's sleeping in... well, maybe first he is walking the dog... well, maybe he wanted to have a day to himself to chill and enjoy the beach or whatever... after 24 hours of not hearing from him, I was out of excuses.
I have been beating myself up (mentally, of course) for awhile now. How could I have really thought this would end any other way? He was an impossible dream, and ha, just as I rambled about last post... I woke up, and he has vanished- nothing more than a spectre, never really here. What the hell have I been to him these past few months? Sport? Boredom reliever? I don't understand it, and I never will because I am clearly terrible at knowing what anyone else is actually thinking about anything. I have no idea what was going through his head. All I know is that I blindly believed everything he told me. It is an impossible quandary. I truly believe that you absolutely cannot bring baggage from any past relationships with you into a new relationship. Everyone deserves to start with a clean slate. Maybe a man, or five men, or hell, 50 men have treated you like shit in the past... but that doesn't mean that all men will be the same.
At the same time, I am also a skeptic by nature. This creates a conflict, as I am sure you can imagine. I have always kept my feelings closely guarded; I am very secretive and protective by nature, I suppose.
But, I felt like the majority of what I have been doing up to this point in my life has not worked so well for me. So I tried to go against my nature about certain things. And I knew the risks of doing this, but I felt like it would be worth it no matter what happened.
I guess I still do think that, actually. It was nice to know that I can be more open and be totally comfortable delving into a new relationship. What I didn't count on was that I would truly like him so much. I am sitting here typing this, thinking, hm.. well maybe I will hear from him tomorrow and all will be well. And I know as I type this that it is totally ludicrous for me to even try to pretend like that's a possibility. It would be amusing if it wasn't so fucking pathetic. I don't know how he did this. Even though I feel completely played, I want to believe that he will be around eventually... I still want him in my life. My God, how can I actually feel like that? Am I seriously fucking crazy now or something? I can't comprehend it, and it's me that's behaving this way.
So... that's all, really. I had this perfect dream for a little while. It was so vivid... almost like it was real. But, like the perfect bubble blown, swirling colors reflecting the world, floating up and into the sky... and then, poof! Gone. You can never predict exactly when it will happen. Sometimes they pop almost instantly. Some venture farther, some actually make it out of sight. But when the bubble first forms, you never know which it will be, no way to predict the longevity.
Today I feel a tiny bit hollow. He'd told me I was the owner of his heart. I had so wanted that to be the truth, and I was only too willing to offer up mine. Part of it is gone now, and I don't know why he took it, since he clearly doesn't want it. I feel like I actually got broken up with today. I know it's stupid. This is totally my penance for being such a naive jackass in the first place.
I should have been smarter than this. I am totally disappointed. Ich bin enttäuscht total enttäuscht.
The rational part of me acknowledges my eccentricities and tells me other part of me that she's paranoid, and usually the argument is pretty convincing. So I manage to manage, ha ha.
But today, wow, where do I begin with today? I look back at what I posted 2 days ago, and just think, "stupid, stupid girl."
I don't even know how to explain what happened. In a nutshell, yesterday everything seemed wonderful. He was off work, up late to write with me, and was being very sweet. I have been finally starting to push my fears aside and just jump in, not let my fears and past cripple me and prevent me from finding happiness again. So, he had made a little joke, and I told him something I had done which made it apparent that I am crushing on him, or whatever you would call it. He seemed, I don't know- he told me it was a big surprise, and within a few minutes we stopped writing. Last night I worried that maybe I had overstepped a line that I hadn't known was there. I told myself, it was very late for him, he'd had a really long day- he probably fell asleep. So I didn't fret about it.
Today I tried to justify why I hadn't heard from him. Maybe he's sleeping in... well, maybe first he is walking the dog... well, maybe he wanted to have a day to himself to chill and enjoy the beach or whatever... after 24 hours of not hearing from him, I was out of excuses.
I have been beating myself up (mentally, of course) for awhile now. How could I have really thought this would end any other way? He was an impossible dream, and ha, just as I rambled about last post... I woke up, and he has vanished- nothing more than a spectre, never really here. What the hell have I been to him these past few months? Sport? Boredom reliever? I don't understand it, and I never will because I am clearly terrible at knowing what anyone else is actually thinking about anything. I have no idea what was going through his head. All I know is that I blindly believed everything he told me. It is an impossible quandary. I truly believe that you absolutely cannot bring baggage from any past relationships with you into a new relationship. Everyone deserves to start with a clean slate. Maybe a man, or five men, or hell, 50 men have treated you like shit in the past... but that doesn't mean that all men will be the same.
At the same time, I am also a skeptic by nature. This creates a conflict, as I am sure you can imagine. I have always kept my feelings closely guarded; I am very secretive and protective by nature, I suppose.
But, I felt like the majority of what I have been doing up to this point in my life has not worked so well for me. So I tried to go against my nature about certain things. And I knew the risks of doing this, but I felt like it would be worth it no matter what happened.
I guess I still do think that, actually. It was nice to know that I can be more open and be totally comfortable delving into a new relationship. What I didn't count on was that I would truly like him so much. I am sitting here typing this, thinking, hm.. well maybe I will hear from him tomorrow and all will be well. And I know as I type this that it is totally ludicrous for me to even try to pretend like that's a possibility. It would be amusing if it wasn't so fucking pathetic. I don't know how he did this. Even though I feel completely played, I want to believe that he will be around eventually... I still want him in my life. My God, how can I actually feel like that? Am I seriously fucking crazy now or something? I can't comprehend it, and it's me that's behaving this way.
So... that's all, really. I had this perfect dream for a little while. It was so vivid... almost like it was real. But, like the perfect bubble blown, swirling colors reflecting the world, floating up and into the sky... and then, poof! Gone. You can never predict exactly when it will happen. Sometimes they pop almost instantly. Some venture farther, some actually make it out of sight. But when the bubble first forms, you never know which it will be, no way to predict the longevity.
Today I feel a tiny bit hollow. He'd told me I was the owner of his heart. I had so wanted that to be the truth, and I was only too willing to offer up mine. Part of it is gone now, and I don't know why he took it, since he clearly doesn't want it. I feel like I actually got broken up with today. I know it's stupid. This is totally my penance for being such a naive jackass in the first place.
I should have been smarter than this. I am totally disappointed. Ich bin enttäuscht total enttäuscht.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Second
Hm, so I have been lax in writing here. As private as it is, I have been reluctant to put my feelings to keyboard, as it were. I purchased a leather bound journal recently, and it seems far more appropriate somehow.
Things have progressed... the days march by one after another, and suddenly it is almost 2 months since I created this blog for the purpose of expelling a few demons here and there- and in 2 months there is just now a 2nd entry being written. Funny how things work.
I was almost afraid before to write about the new man. The situation seems so complex... so hard to explain and have anyone think that it's not just the desperation of a rebound, or a lonely heart creating something that isn't. At least, that is how I fear people must view this. But it isn't. I write with him almost every day, and I think that I am at least a little more sure of things than I was 2 months ago. I still have ridiculous fears and self-doubts, but I know it is 100% me that is the problem. There is not a single thing that I doubt or question when it comes to him. I keep wondering how he did this, exactly. How does one manage to become an integral part of your existence so easily? Within such a short time I look forward to his words, miss him when we are not writing, and think of him incessantly. I have really tried to strike a balance with him. I have such all-or-nothing tendencies, and now that I am sure that I want him, I don't want to obsess too much and scare him away.
We are in this limbo right now, where all the words are perfect, and there is this dream of what might be between us... 2 people at the precipice, ready to take that leap. And there we are, overlooking the edge, realizing that we are a great ocean apart, each at the edge of our own worlds with thousands of miles of churning seas separating us. If he was at my side, I would be ready. I am willing to jump into this with him, and see what the future brings.
I have always looked into new relationships with a certain, I don't know... dread? Doubt? Hesitance? Maybe all of the above. I have never gone into a relationship saying, this is the man I am going to marry, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have always thought, how could I know at such an early stage? Impossible. With him though, it's different. We both have said, we don't want to date any more- we don't want to have a few year's relationship- we want to find something that is permanent. Someone to marry... just the one marriage, you know, forever, like it's supposed to be? Someone to have children with, to build a family and a happy life together. And although time will tell if I am a fool for this, I have taken him completely at face value so far. Everything he has told me, I assume to be the truth unless I learn or find a reason to believe otherwise. At first, I found it so difficult to do... was there really a man that existed in this configuration? It was as if I had made a secret "what I want in a perfect man" list and even included the most ridiculous and completely impossible traits that I could never find... and then I meet him, and its as though my crazy list was discovered and used to create him. And there are things he does that he could not possibly have known at first that I would like- random, silly things- and they are perfect.
It is really sort of insane. I think I have avoided writing more about him because it's almost like some perfect dream. You know, when you have a lucid, really awesome dream, and something disturbs you... there may be a few seconds when you recognize that the dream is fading, and try so hard to cling to it, to stay asleep. Sometimes you can hang on, but more often than not, the vision fades as you stir in bed. No matter how long you might try to close your eyes and regain that dream, it is never coming back. I am almost reluctant to acknowledge my happiness, to express what I am feeling, because then what if things don't work out? Nothing is promised, and I feel almost safer keeping news of him at a minimum. Like somehow saying the words out loud will break the spell. It's crazy, I know... but everything else is so completely random in the world that I don't doubt the possibility... and I don't want to take any unnecessary risks- lol.
But I digress. As I said, I actually do believe him now that he does care about me at least a little bit. He told me recently that I am the owner of his heart. I don't really know. I would love for that to be the case, but part of me scoffs, "but we've never even met!" The other part of me says, "yes, that's true, but you are falling in love with him so you know it's not outside the realm of possibility." I make 2 very valid, interesting points, and I don't know which one more closely applies to him. I hope that he really will love me. I am now past agonizing over what I feel for him, and am agonizing over what he will eventually feel for me.
He is supposed to come and visit me, and I am filled with both anticipation and complete terror. On the one hand, I need to meet him. At this point I simply must see how this story ends... or hopefully, how the next chapter begins. I imagine the scenario a billion different ways and am charmed at how completely romantic it all is, him coming off the plane, looking deeply each other's eyes and feeling the surge of electricity when we finally touch after all these months.
On the other hand, it may all go terribly wrong. There is no way to predict chemistry until you meet someone. I have definitely underestimated and tried to downplay the importance of that purely animal attraction in the past. Now I understand that it simply must be there. So then I think, what if there is nothing there? Then what? Or, maybe worse yet, what if I feel it and he doesn't? It would be the ultimate rejection, really- a man coming to another land to meet a girl, and then changing his mind when he sees her in person. It is illogical, I know... and I am pretty sure that if he was in doubt we would not get to the point of him coming over here to meet. But still, my mind hates me and it thinks of things like this to torment me daily.
I think he is afraid of leaping in like this too. We talked of him moving here; he said he would have no job, no car, no place to stay- absolutely nothing. I said, yes, but you will have me, and I can help you with all the other things. His response was, but no one can promise that you'll stay with me. I have told him that I want to be with him, but I think he still questions if I am really sure, which makes sense since I question the same things. We have both just said, well, when we meet we will be able to look into each others' eyes, and touch, and then we will know. I hope that it's true. I am worried about how it will all play out. I would love for it to continue to be as easy as it has been thus far, and maybe when we are in the same room it will feel perfectly natural and right, like it has in our correspondence. But... who can say? We are both admittedly shy. It is much easier to be bold and speak your mind when someone is not in front of you, able to reject you face to face.
I have been trying to get over some of these fears and worries. It is really difficult trying to convince myself that this may be all real, that maybe I did find my soulmate and that we will come together despite the odds, just because we were meant to. It would be nothing short of remarkable... after all the hurt and pain that I endured, when I finally stood up and said no more, I meet the perfect man within days, out of the blue and when neither of us had any idea we would eventually speak as anything more than just friends. There is such a perfect sort of karmic feel to this. I always tried to do right by my exes, so often stupidly sacrificing my own needs and my own wellbeing to try to make them happy. I lost so much of myself in that process. When I finally said, enough, I want me back again, I then instantly meet a man who likes me for my character and my sweetness, who tells me, never let a man treat you like that, you're better than that- love me, but don't worship me... a man who actually encourages a healthy dynamic (for a change). Does that happen??? I am suddenly an optimist, suddenly that girl with a permanent "cat ate the canary" ghost of a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth every time I think of him, or when he sends me the perfect text. I am utterly smitten, and it feels so good.
I am dying to get him into bed... he makes me crazy just with words alone- my god, when I eventually get him in person... he has a deep, sexy voice- heavily accented... a complete panty-dropper sort of voice. I picture him on top of me, that voice telling me what he is going to do to me next.... I won't go into it here, but let's just say I am very interested to see if he is really as skilled as he claims to be. Someone told me last week that I looked radiant- that I looked much younger. This person was positively glowing with happiness at seeing me so much visibly happier. They thought it was for other reasons- my having left the ex, moved out, etc... but so much of it is really because of him and how he has created a new, bright little place in my soul- a flame bravely burning that was once barely an ember, nearly extinguished.
So, that is my update. Still a completely mind-boggling situation for me, still no real resolution, and I fear there won't ever be unless we do meet in person. He is supposed to come to see me this year. All I can do is wait and see if that comes to pass. I feel like he will eventually really see me, and realize that I am not worthy of his attentions. Every time I seem uncertain, though, he reassures me and tells me not to worry, to be positive, that I'm his girl. So, I really, really want this to all be true, and I do not know yet if it is. More rambling soon, or perhaps in 2 months... we shall see.
Things have progressed... the days march by one after another, and suddenly it is almost 2 months since I created this blog for the purpose of expelling a few demons here and there- and in 2 months there is just now a 2nd entry being written. Funny how things work.
I was almost afraid before to write about the new man. The situation seems so complex... so hard to explain and have anyone think that it's not just the desperation of a rebound, or a lonely heart creating something that isn't. At least, that is how I fear people must view this. But it isn't. I write with him almost every day, and I think that I am at least a little more sure of things than I was 2 months ago. I still have ridiculous fears and self-doubts, but I know it is 100% me that is the problem. There is not a single thing that I doubt or question when it comes to him. I keep wondering how he did this, exactly. How does one manage to become an integral part of your existence so easily? Within such a short time I look forward to his words, miss him when we are not writing, and think of him incessantly. I have really tried to strike a balance with him. I have such all-or-nothing tendencies, and now that I am sure that I want him, I don't want to obsess too much and scare him away.
We are in this limbo right now, where all the words are perfect, and there is this dream of what might be between us... 2 people at the precipice, ready to take that leap. And there we are, overlooking the edge, realizing that we are a great ocean apart, each at the edge of our own worlds with thousands of miles of churning seas separating us. If he was at my side, I would be ready. I am willing to jump into this with him, and see what the future brings.
I have always looked into new relationships with a certain, I don't know... dread? Doubt? Hesitance? Maybe all of the above. I have never gone into a relationship saying, this is the man I am going to marry, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have always thought, how could I know at such an early stage? Impossible. With him though, it's different. We both have said, we don't want to date any more- we don't want to have a few year's relationship- we want to find something that is permanent. Someone to marry... just the one marriage, you know, forever, like it's supposed to be? Someone to have children with, to build a family and a happy life together. And although time will tell if I am a fool for this, I have taken him completely at face value so far. Everything he has told me, I assume to be the truth unless I learn or find a reason to believe otherwise. At first, I found it so difficult to do... was there really a man that existed in this configuration? It was as if I had made a secret "what I want in a perfect man" list and even included the most ridiculous and completely impossible traits that I could never find... and then I meet him, and its as though my crazy list was discovered and used to create him. And there are things he does that he could not possibly have known at first that I would like- random, silly things- and they are perfect.
It is really sort of insane. I think I have avoided writing more about him because it's almost like some perfect dream. You know, when you have a lucid, really awesome dream, and something disturbs you... there may be a few seconds when you recognize that the dream is fading, and try so hard to cling to it, to stay asleep. Sometimes you can hang on, but more often than not, the vision fades as you stir in bed. No matter how long you might try to close your eyes and regain that dream, it is never coming back. I am almost reluctant to acknowledge my happiness, to express what I am feeling, because then what if things don't work out? Nothing is promised, and I feel almost safer keeping news of him at a minimum. Like somehow saying the words out loud will break the spell. It's crazy, I know... but everything else is so completely random in the world that I don't doubt the possibility... and I don't want to take any unnecessary risks- lol.
But I digress. As I said, I actually do believe him now that he does care about me at least a little bit. He told me recently that I am the owner of his heart. I don't really know. I would love for that to be the case, but part of me scoffs, "but we've never even met!" The other part of me says, "yes, that's true, but you are falling in love with him so you know it's not outside the realm of possibility." I make 2 very valid, interesting points, and I don't know which one more closely applies to him. I hope that he really will love me. I am now past agonizing over what I feel for him, and am agonizing over what he will eventually feel for me.
He is supposed to come and visit me, and I am filled with both anticipation and complete terror. On the one hand, I need to meet him. At this point I simply must see how this story ends... or hopefully, how the next chapter begins. I imagine the scenario a billion different ways and am charmed at how completely romantic it all is, him coming off the plane, looking deeply each other's eyes and feeling the surge of electricity when we finally touch after all these months.
On the other hand, it may all go terribly wrong. There is no way to predict chemistry until you meet someone. I have definitely underestimated and tried to downplay the importance of that purely animal attraction in the past. Now I understand that it simply must be there. So then I think, what if there is nothing there? Then what? Or, maybe worse yet, what if I feel it and he doesn't? It would be the ultimate rejection, really- a man coming to another land to meet a girl, and then changing his mind when he sees her in person. It is illogical, I know... and I am pretty sure that if he was in doubt we would not get to the point of him coming over here to meet. But still, my mind hates me and it thinks of things like this to torment me daily.
I think he is afraid of leaping in like this too. We talked of him moving here; he said he would have no job, no car, no place to stay- absolutely nothing. I said, yes, but you will have me, and I can help you with all the other things. His response was, but no one can promise that you'll stay with me. I have told him that I want to be with him, but I think he still questions if I am really sure, which makes sense since I question the same things. We have both just said, well, when we meet we will be able to look into each others' eyes, and touch, and then we will know. I hope that it's true. I am worried about how it will all play out. I would love for it to continue to be as easy as it has been thus far, and maybe when we are in the same room it will feel perfectly natural and right, like it has in our correspondence. But... who can say? We are both admittedly shy. It is much easier to be bold and speak your mind when someone is not in front of you, able to reject you face to face.
I have been trying to get over some of these fears and worries. It is really difficult trying to convince myself that this may be all real, that maybe I did find my soulmate and that we will come together despite the odds, just because we were meant to. It would be nothing short of remarkable... after all the hurt and pain that I endured, when I finally stood up and said no more, I meet the perfect man within days, out of the blue and when neither of us had any idea we would eventually speak as anything more than just friends. There is such a perfect sort of karmic feel to this. I always tried to do right by my exes, so often stupidly sacrificing my own needs and my own wellbeing to try to make them happy. I lost so much of myself in that process. When I finally said, enough, I want me back again, I then instantly meet a man who likes me for my character and my sweetness, who tells me, never let a man treat you like that, you're better than that- love me, but don't worship me... a man who actually encourages a healthy dynamic (for a change). Does that happen??? I am suddenly an optimist, suddenly that girl with a permanent "cat ate the canary" ghost of a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth every time I think of him, or when he sends me the perfect text. I am utterly smitten, and it feels so good.
I am dying to get him into bed... he makes me crazy just with words alone- my god, when I eventually get him in person... he has a deep, sexy voice- heavily accented... a complete panty-dropper sort of voice. I picture him on top of me, that voice telling me what he is going to do to me next.... I won't go into it here, but let's just say I am very interested to see if he is really as skilled as he claims to be. Someone told me last week that I looked radiant- that I looked much younger. This person was positively glowing with happiness at seeing me so much visibly happier. They thought it was for other reasons- my having left the ex, moved out, etc... but so much of it is really because of him and how he has created a new, bright little place in my soul- a flame bravely burning that was once barely an ember, nearly extinguished.
So, that is my update. Still a completely mind-boggling situation for me, still no real resolution, and I fear there won't ever be unless we do meet in person. He is supposed to come to see me this year. All I can do is wait and see if that comes to pass. I feel like he will eventually really see me, and realize that I am not worthy of his attentions. Every time I seem uncertain, though, he reassures me and tells me not to worry, to be positive, that I'm his girl. So, I really, really want this to all be true, and I do not know yet if it is. More rambling soon, or perhaps in 2 months... we shall see.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
the first
Hello. You don't know me. That is entirely the point. This is my first blog here. Will there be many more to follow? I really have no idea! I don't know if you just stumbled across me, or if you will continue reading... and maybe you don't know whether you will stay, either.
This is the way of things, though. A lifelong friendship can begin with a few awkward words, from two shy souls afraid as yet to meet each others' glances. Maybe we will like each other...
So there have been many changes happening with this girl lately. It began with a decision that was long overdue. I'd been stalled in a relationship, stagnant and resentful. For too long I'd tried to stay and force the chaos into submission. It simply isn't possible. Being the stubborn fool that I am, I took this as a personal failure on my part.
If I had simply tried harder, or cried more tears for him, he would have seen how much he was hurting me, and surely he would have turned it all around. So I stayed, crying myself to sleep countless nights, breaking out in skin rashes from the constant stress levels I maintained.
Of course, this was all complete and utter bullshit. The only failure on my part was my complete unwillingness to accept defeat and move on with my life much sooner than I did. When I finally opened my eyes and actually saw what I had surrounded myself with, I knew it was time to say goodbye. It was a difficult situation- emotionally, financially... I was in no position to strike out on my own, but that leap into the void to free myself was preferable to staying and wanting to leap off of a non-figurative cliff!
And so one day, I made the decision. There was an almost palpable click in my mind. After all the agonizing, the previous patterns... I was finally ready. And I walked away.
It has been several weeks now. I am now living with a great roommate, with her children, so the house is cheery and loud. No option for me to mope about, not that I have really been inclined to do so. It is so strange how things work sometimes. One of the final straws in my last relationship was the day that I had the realization that if I stayed with him forever, I would never get to feel that first thrill when meeting a new person who is intriguing to me. That slow realization of the potential there, the rush of excitement about someone brand new... when everything is fascinating. I would never get to experience that first physical contact- the electricity leaping from skin to skin. I would never get to kiss a new man, or spoon, or make love...
And as soon as this thought was formed, the reality of it crashed down upon me- I had an instant flash of grief. It was the realization that I was actually grieving these unrealized opportunities that really let me know it was time to move on.
And I thought to myself, I would rather be alone and ready for the possibility of true happiness, than to be in this relationship- unhappy- just for the sake of being with someone, and risk sacrificing what I really want in life.
I thought, I have never lived with myself- until I was an adult I lived with my family... I then moved out with a boyfriend, back to mom and dad's when that didn't work out. Left again to move in with the next ex, then back at the parents for a few days, back to him, back again... until now. So I thought, it will be good for me to be alone for a little bit. Get to know myself as an adult, and take some time to get my mind right again after another long-ass failed relationship. I thought to myself- no men! Need time!
Apparently the fates have different ideas from me. In what was truly, purely an accident, I met someone wonderful online. The one thing that works to my advantage is that he geographically is very far from me. So we can communicate, and get to know one another, and there is no opportunity for me to rush in and fall in love again right away. This was my rationale at first, at least. Partly, I am still right. The physical distance keeps us from doing many things. Beyond the obvious, I have been able to tell myself that nothing between us is *really* serious, because I have no idea if he is being on the level with me about any of this or not. I can't look into his eyes, I can't read his expressions, hear the tone of his voice... all of these things that are such an integral part of really getting acquainted with someone. And so i keep telling myself that things are safe; that I am just crushing on him and that it's nothing more than that.
For all the rationalizations I come up with, it is utter bullshit. I have fallen so hard for him. He has this wonderful character... he knows the perfect thing to say and has written so many things to me that I immensely value. So he is either a truly great guy, or he is a supremely skilled player. I actually entertained this notion for a time but as the days passed by, it got harder and harder for me, even in my most suspicious/negative scenarios, to envision what he could possibly gain from playing me like this. So slowly, the walls have been coming down. I am open with him in a way that I would not have been if he was standing in front of me, in the flesh. And somehow, someway, he seems to be willing to make this situation work also. I have never encountered a man so willing to put time into getting to know me, writing me thousands of emails, sharing things about himself both big and small... and there is no instant payoff. As hard as it is for someone like me to accept, he truly seems interested in me and in making me happy. We tell each other "I love you" and seems so... right.
And so, I have found myself in a crazily complicated situation... a girl who was supposed to be staying single, finding herself head over heels with a man she cannot meet, knowing how crazy it must sound to you that I could dare even call it the "L" word. I know! And before I met him, I would have completely agreed with you. Never say never... this is the lesson here for me, I think.
And so this very special man has found his way into my heart and my head... and I hope that eventually he will find a way into my arms. He talks of coming to me here... and I am terrified of this...while the thought of being able to really have a relationship with a future seems perfect, the practical side of me (who has been pushed waaay back when it comes to this particular situtation) feels that I should be more cautious. The feelings are already so strong. What if this is not what it seems to be? Can I handle another letdown, another disappointment so quickly? Hm, I think I can. The potential there is worth the risk to me.
As hurt as I have been in the past, I refuse to let that paralyze me and keep me from finding happiness now, in the present.
I will let you know how this works out for me...
This is the way of things, though. A lifelong friendship can begin with a few awkward words, from two shy souls afraid as yet to meet each others' glances. Maybe we will like each other...
So there have been many changes happening with this girl lately. It began with a decision that was long overdue. I'd been stalled in a relationship, stagnant and resentful. For too long I'd tried to stay and force the chaos into submission. It simply isn't possible. Being the stubborn fool that I am, I took this as a personal failure on my part.
If I had simply tried harder, or cried more tears for him, he would have seen how much he was hurting me, and surely he would have turned it all around. So I stayed, crying myself to sleep countless nights, breaking out in skin rashes from the constant stress levels I maintained.
Of course, this was all complete and utter bullshit. The only failure on my part was my complete unwillingness to accept defeat and move on with my life much sooner than I did. When I finally opened my eyes and actually saw what I had surrounded myself with, I knew it was time to say goodbye. It was a difficult situation- emotionally, financially... I was in no position to strike out on my own, but that leap into the void to free myself was preferable to staying and wanting to leap off of a non-figurative cliff!
And so one day, I made the decision. There was an almost palpable click in my mind. After all the agonizing, the previous patterns... I was finally ready. And I walked away.
It has been several weeks now. I am now living with a great roommate, with her children, so the house is cheery and loud. No option for me to mope about, not that I have really been inclined to do so. It is so strange how things work sometimes. One of the final straws in my last relationship was the day that I had the realization that if I stayed with him forever, I would never get to feel that first thrill when meeting a new person who is intriguing to me. That slow realization of the potential there, the rush of excitement about someone brand new... when everything is fascinating. I would never get to experience that first physical contact- the electricity leaping from skin to skin. I would never get to kiss a new man, or spoon, or make love...
And as soon as this thought was formed, the reality of it crashed down upon me- I had an instant flash of grief. It was the realization that I was actually grieving these unrealized opportunities that really let me know it was time to move on.
And I thought to myself, I would rather be alone and ready for the possibility of true happiness, than to be in this relationship- unhappy- just for the sake of being with someone, and risk sacrificing what I really want in life.
I thought, I have never lived with myself- until I was an adult I lived with my family... I then moved out with a boyfriend, back to mom and dad's when that didn't work out. Left again to move in with the next ex, then back at the parents for a few days, back to him, back again... until now. So I thought, it will be good for me to be alone for a little bit. Get to know myself as an adult, and take some time to get my mind right again after another long-ass failed relationship. I thought to myself- no men! Need time!
Apparently the fates have different ideas from me. In what was truly, purely an accident, I met someone wonderful online. The one thing that works to my advantage is that he geographically is very far from me. So we can communicate, and get to know one another, and there is no opportunity for me to rush in and fall in love again right away. This was my rationale at first, at least. Partly, I am still right. The physical distance keeps us from doing many things. Beyond the obvious, I have been able to tell myself that nothing between us is *really* serious, because I have no idea if he is being on the level with me about any of this or not. I can't look into his eyes, I can't read his expressions, hear the tone of his voice... all of these things that are such an integral part of really getting acquainted with someone. And so i keep telling myself that things are safe; that I am just crushing on him and that it's nothing more than that.
For all the rationalizations I come up with, it is utter bullshit. I have fallen so hard for him. He has this wonderful character... he knows the perfect thing to say and has written so many things to me that I immensely value. So he is either a truly great guy, or he is a supremely skilled player. I actually entertained this notion for a time but as the days passed by, it got harder and harder for me, even in my most suspicious/negative scenarios, to envision what he could possibly gain from playing me like this. So slowly, the walls have been coming down. I am open with him in a way that I would not have been if he was standing in front of me, in the flesh. And somehow, someway, he seems to be willing to make this situation work also. I have never encountered a man so willing to put time into getting to know me, writing me thousands of emails, sharing things about himself both big and small... and there is no instant payoff. As hard as it is for someone like me to accept, he truly seems interested in me and in making me happy. We tell each other "I love you" and seems so... right.
And so, I have found myself in a crazily complicated situation... a girl who was supposed to be staying single, finding herself head over heels with a man she cannot meet, knowing how crazy it must sound to you that I could dare even call it the "L" word. I know! And before I met him, I would have completely agreed with you. Never say never... this is the lesson here for me, I think.
And so this very special man has found his way into my heart and my head... and I hope that eventually he will find a way into my arms. He talks of coming to me here... and I am terrified of this...while the thought of being able to really have a relationship with a future seems perfect, the practical side of me (who has been pushed waaay back when it comes to this particular situtation) feels that I should be more cautious. The feelings are already so strong. What if this is not what it seems to be? Can I handle another letdown, another disappointment so quickly? Hm, I think I can. The potential there is worth the risk to me.
As hurt as I have been in the past, I refuse to let that paralyze me and keep me from finding happiness now, in the present.
I will let you know how this works out for me...
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