Hello. You don't know me. That is entirely the point. This is my first blog here. Will there be many more to follow? I really have no idea! I don't know if you just stumbled across me, or if you will continue reading... and maybe you don't know whether you will stay, either.
This is the way of things, though. A lifelong friendship can begin with a few awkward words, from two shy souls afraid as yet to meet each others' glances. Maybe we will like each other...
So there have been many changes happening with this girl lately. It began with a decision that was long overdue. I'd been stalled in a relationship, stagnant and resentful. For too long I'd tried to stay and force the chaos into submission. It simply isn't possible. Being the stubborn fool that I am, I took this as a personal failure on my part.
If I had simply tried harder, or cried more tears for him, he would have seen how much he was hurting me, and surely he would have turned it all around. So I stayed, crying myself to sleep countless nights, breaking out in skin rashes from the constant stress levels I maintained.
Of course, this was all complete and utter bullshit. The only failure on my part was my complete unwillingness to accept defeat and move on with my life much sooner than I did. When I finally opened my eyes and actually saw what I had surrounded myself with, I knew it was time to say goodbye. It was a difficult situation- emotionally, financially... I was in no position to strike out on my own, but that leap into the void to free myself was preferable to staying and wanting to leap off of a non-figurative cliff!
And so one day, I made the decision. There was an almost palpable click in my mind. After all the agonizing, the previous patterns... I was finally ready. And I walked away.
It has been several weeks now. I am now living with a great roommate, with her children, so the house is cheery and loud. No option for me to mope about, not that I have really been inclined to do so. It is so strange how things work sometimes. One of the final straws in my last relationship was the day that I had the realization that if I stayed with him forever, I would never get to feel that first thrill when meeting a new person who is intriguing to me. That slow realization of the potential there, the rush of excitement about someone brand new... when everything is fascinating. I would never get to experience that first physical contact- the electricity leaping from skin to skin. I would never get to kiss a new man, or spoon, or make love...
And as soon as this thought was formed, the reality of it crashed down upon me- I had an instant flash of grief. It was the realization that I was actually grieving these unrealized opportunities that really let me know it was time to move on.
And I thought to myself, I would rather be alone and ready for the possibility of true happiness, than to be in this relationship- unhappy- just for the sake of being with someone, and risk sacrificing what I really want in life.
I thought, I have never lived with myself- until I was an adult I lived with my family... I then moved out with a boyfriend, back to mom and dad's when that didn't work out. Left again to move in with the next ex, then back at the parents for a few days, back to him, back again... until now. So I thought, it will be good for me to be alone for a little bit. Get to know myself as an adult, and take some time to get my mind right again after another long-ass failed relationship. I thought to myself- no men! Need time!
Apparently the fates have different ideas from me. In what was truly, purely an accident, I met someone wonderful online. The one thing that works to my advantage is that he geographically is very far from me. So we can communicate, and get to know one another, and there is no opportunity for me to rush in and fall in love again right away. This was my rationale at first, at least. Partly, I am still right. The physical distance keeps us from doing many things. Beyond the obvious, I have been able to tell myself that nothing between us is *really* serious, because I have no idea if he is being on the level with me about any of this or not. I can't look into his eyes, I can't read his expressions, hear the tone of his voice... all of these things that are such an integral part of really getting acquainted with someone. And so i keep telling myself that things are safe; that I am just crushing on him and that it's nothing more than that.
For all the rationalizations I come up with, it is utter bullshit. I have fallen so hard for him. He has this wonderful character... he knows the perfect thing to say and has written so many things to me that I immensely value. So he is either a truly great guy, or he is a supremely skilled player. I actually entertained this notion for a time but as the days passed by, it got harder and harder for me, even in my most suspicious/negative scenarios, to envision what he could possibly gain from playing me like this. So slowly, the walls have been coming down. I am open with him in a way that I would not have been if he was standing in front of me, in the flesh. And somehow, someway, he seems to be willing to make this situation work also. I have never encountered a man so willing to put time into getting to know me, writing me thousands of emails, sharing things about himself both big and small... and there is no instant payoff. As hard as it is for someone like me to accept, he truly seems interested in me and in making me happy. We tell each other "I love you" and seems so... right.
And so, I have found myself in a crazily complicated situation... a girl who was supposed to be staying single, finding herself head over heels with a man she cannot meet, knowing how crazy it must sound to you that I could dare even call it the "L" word. I know! And before I met him, I would have completely agreed with you. Never say never... this is the lesson here for me, I think.
And so this very special man has found his way into my heart and my head... and I hope that eventually he will find a way into my arms. He talks of coming to me here... and I am terrified of this...while the thought of being able to really have a relationship with a future seems perfect, the practical side of me (who has been pushed waaay back when it comes to this particular situtation) feels that I should be more cautious. The feelings are already so strong. What if this is not what it seems to be? Can I handle another letdown, another disappointment so quickly? Hm, I think I can. The potential there is worth the risk to me.
As hurt as I have been in the past, I refuse to let that paralyze me and keep me from finding happiness now, in the present.
I will let you know how this works out for me...
